My heart is heavy tonight, as it seems is often the case these days.

Today I took my two sons to the funeral of their grandmother. Michael’s mother passed away over the Christmas holiday and today we said good-bye. She had been suffering for the past 2 years from ALS, a truly [...]]]> January 8, 2013

My heart is heavy tonight, as it seems is often the case these days.

Today I took my two sons to the funeral of their grandmother. Michael’s mother passed away over the Christmas holiday and today we said good-bye. She had been suffering for the past 2 years from ALS, a truly horrible disease. There is some amount of comfort knowing that she is no longer suffering as she once was. And yet, death is always so, so sad. It isn’t how things are meant to be.

It seems that I only write these days when I am sad. It’s just that life is so busy with the details of keeping babies alive, the house clean, food cooked, and work completed. I can go days without thinking of anything more meaningful than when Judah last ate or if Jeremiah has been changed into proper clothes instead of wearing his pajamas all day. And when I do have a few quiet moments to think, I find myself dwelling on the difficult parts of life– wishing them away, wishing for peace and ease and all those blissful years when I was unaware of how broken this world really was.

I have a clear memory of sitting in a Bible study back in 2007– it was a Beth Moore study on “Fruits of the Spirit” put on by a local church. It was one of those studies where you got a workbook and there were five mini-lessons that you were to go through each week. You were supposed to do one every day, but I always found myself doing all five the night before the meeting. We would sit at the same tables and watch Beth on the video screen then talk about what we had written in our workbooks that week. I remember our table-leader, Hannah, saying something that has  played through my mind frequently these last five years. She said that right now, this moment in life, was probably the best it was ever going to get. There we were, girls in our mid-20′s, experiencing a pretty normal life path. Many of us were married or dating, we had jobs/careers to look forward to, children, houses, and hobbies to dream about. None of us had experienced real loss. I remember her saying that she knew there was a day coming where her parents would die. Friends would disappoint her. Her health would fail. And it hit me– this world is not my home. This existence that I’ve carved out for myself where I’m comfortable and happy– it isn’t going to last.

I suppose there’s always been a fair dose of pessimism that colors my outlook on life. I always seem to notice the holes in a plan and find it easy to play “devil’s advocate.” Maybe that’s why Hannah’s comment stuck with me so clearly over the years. It definitely felt like one of those life-defining moments– a sobering, water-in-your-face kind of moment that wakes you up from the dream that has become normal life.There’s no going back. Dumbledore has died, Aslan has been slain, evil exists and bad things happen. Good will triumph in the end, and all the sad things will indeed come un-true, but in the meantime pain and death seem to reign.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I’m just feeling stripped bare, not sure that I can take much more. So much seems to have been taken away this past year, and truth be told, I am just hoping for spring to come soon, with its promise of new beginnings. And maybe that’s the key– Lewis talks about the seasons and how perfectly they capture our need for rhythm. It feels like it’s been a year of winter but never Christmas… but perhaps that is getting ready to change and the rivers of ice will melt, grass will grow again, and the warmth of the sun will be felt deeply– all the way to my bones.

Judah Michael Holm was born on November 30, 2012. He was a big guy (9lb 11oz, 21.5″) and he’s already grown quite [...]]]> Wow- it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I have a good excuse… and his name is Judah!

Photo courtesy of Memories by TLC

Judah Michael Holm was born on November 30, 2012. He was a big guy (9lb 11oz, 21.5″) and he’s already grown quite a bit. We are adjusting to life with a newborn and, overall, we’re doing pretty well I think.

I spent some of that restless energy at the end of my pregnancy decorating the house for Christmas. In truth, this might be the first year I’ve ever really embraced the holiday spirit. I’m usually put off by how much work it will be to “deck the halls” that the most I can be persuaded to do is make some garland and hang some ornaments from the ceiling. But, having a 2 year old changes things. And knowing that I would be spending a lot of time inside this holiday season nursing an infant, I decided to buy a tree, make some stockings, and generally get in my crafty groove.

The other thing that I am excited about is that I have finally learned how to use my speedlight (on camera flash.) Michael bought me one for my birthday back in August, but the way life has happened at me these last few months (well, this last year really) means that until a few days ago I had only managed to take it out of the box and put the batteries in. But all that changed this week. One of the benefits of having an infant and nursing him all-the-time means that there is lots of time for reading. And so I boned up on all things TTL and was able to finally take some photos inside my house.

I love this house, but it doesn’t have the best light. In fact, the main living area often feels like a cave. I know it’s a waste of energy, but I have all the lights turned on in the living room/dining room every day, all day long. Otherwise it feels very sad and dreary to me. Anyway, this lack of light means that I have always had a hard time taking photos that look halfway decent. But using my speedlight means that I now have a chance to use my camera indoors. Yay!

Here are some photos of my attempts at hall-decking:

I am 36 weeks pregnant and I’m tired. I am trying hard not to let the pity party that lives in my head seep out into my conversations, status updates, or blog posts. But it’s there. I am so tired, y’all, and it’s not just because there is [...]]]>

I am 36 weeks pregnant and I’m tired. I am trying hard not to let the pity party that lives in my head seep out into my conversations, status updates, or blog posts. But it’s there. I am so tired, y’all, and it’s not just because there is a very active baby living inside my body, squirming constantly and making me wish I could just be unconscious for the next several weeks. No, it’s not just that. I’m going on a full year of feeling weary and it’s starting to get to me.

You know how Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matt 11:28-30)” This is one of those passages that is equal parts comforting to me, and also kind of confusing. It’s almost as if I know that I should be comforted and so it helps a bit. But, if I’m being honest, I sometimes struggle to really embrace what is being said here.

I don’t like to admit that sometimes I argue with Jesus in my head. I don’t want to mislead anyone or come off flippant, ya know? But when I read the part about the yoke being easy and the burden being light, I just think, really? Because this still seems kind of heavy, Jesus. And you’re still calling it a burden and a yoke. Last time I checked, hitching up a yoke to something meant you were getting ready to do some serious work. We’re not just pulling a few weeds to make the place look nice. We’re plowing up some earth and making some muscles sore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what a light burden might be. Is it just light in comparison to other burdens? Is it so light that it doesn’t feel like a burden, but rather something that’s fun and exciting? What kind of rest is this that Jesus is talking about? In talking to Michael about all of this, he brought up some good points. Jesus is addressing the weary– those that are beaten down, discouraged, and hopeless. And to get to that point, it’s probably because there is no end in sight. But Jesus is effectively saying, as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.”

I think the idea of my burden being light has much to do with my perspective on this world and what is yet to come. If I believe that these present circumstances are all that matter, and I forget to fix my eyes on heavenly things, then of course my “light” burden is going to feel as if it is ready to crush me. But if I remember how Christ suffered what was set before him (and the reason why), I can truly take comfort in knowing that there is rest at the foot of the cross.

I think my yoke being easy and my burden being light also has to do with how I view what Jesus calls me to do. The specifics will change as my life circumstances change, but ultimately I am called to obey him by living out the Gospel. And without minimizing how difficult that can sometimes be, I have to ask: what is the alternative? Forgiving others, loving the unlovable, sacrificing time and resources– these are hard things and they often feel heavy. But, again, what is my alternative? To harden my heart as I consciously cling to things of this world? To seek worldly wisdom that tells me I must look after myself and protect my interests at all costs? That is a heavy burden, my friend. And it is one that will destroy me.

And so my encouragement to you, but mostly to myself, is a reminder to fix our eyes on the One that offers rest for our souls. For without that, what else could we possibly possess that matters?

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks now. I don’t usually have this much difficulty expressing myself– words have always been my friend. But what do you say about the most wonderful man you know? The man you’ve been married to for ten years?

Ten years [...]]]>

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks now. I don’t usually have this much difficulty expressing myself– words have always been my friend. But what do you say about the most wonderful man you know? The man you’ve been married to for ten years?

Ten years ago. Before real jobs, real bills, cell phones, and Facebook. Before any blood, sweat, or tears were poured into this house. Before babies were even a topic of conversation. When all of Michael’s books fit on one bookcase and the only instruments he played consisted of various guitars and a flute.

As our anniversary has gotten closer, I’ve been reflecting on those early days when we dated. I remember how we had all the time in the world to spend together. We would go to parks and sit on a blanket– he with his guitar, me with a book. We would go hiking at Umstead and Raven Rock. I remember lying under a tree looking up at the sky through the leaves and thinking how much like lace they looked. We would talk and talk and talk– about everything. And oh my gracious was he funny. From time to time, I’ll remember something he said back then and it still makes me laugh.

We recently did some pre-marriage counseling for an engaged couple; I loved that experience because it made me reflect on many of the things I’ve learned over the past ten years. There have been so many light bulb moments for me– lessons about grace, forgiveness, my own sin and selfishness. I’ve learned (am still learning, actually) what it means to die to yourself so your person can flourish. I’ve learned to be conservative in what I ask of my husband, because he really will do just about anything for me.

I love that we have our own language of sorts– words and phrases that carry pages and pages worth of meaning, but just to the two of us. I love that we have our own games that don’t make sense to anyone else (complete with scoring and point systems.) I love that we have our own traditions like hiding gifts around the house and playing “Hotter… Colder” instead of actually wrapping gifts.

Our life looks so different than it did ten years ago. In some ways it’s a little harder, but is many, many ways it is better than any life I ever imagined for myself. I will never wrap my head around why Michael chose me all those years ago. Not that I’m much different now, but man was I mess back then.

Last year, I wrote this for our anniversary and I couldn’t agree more with my past self:

My husband is the most amazing person I know. He’s wise, kind, funny, talented, and incredibly generous. He almost always has a smile on his face, and it’s not because he’s always happy– it’s because he has a joy that goes so deep that even when his days are hard, he can rejoice.

I have learned so much about what it means to love people by watching Michael. He has literally spent years loving people that others have cast aside because they are difficult to love. He’s taught me what it means to be hospitable when an unannounced guest stops by. He’s shown me what it looks like to really listen to another person. I’ve seen him give his time, his money, his energy, his life– everything. He gives it all away.

It makes sense to me that Jesus uses bride/bridegroom as one analogy for how he loves the church– the way Michael has loved me all these years has deeply changed me. And though he loves me well, it’s just a shadow of how Christ loves his church. I’m thankful for the Gospel, for understanding it more deeply, and for seeing it displayed in my husband’s life and in our marriage. I don’t know where we would be without it.

]]> http://natalieholm.com/blog/2012/10/ten-years/feed/ 0 http://natalieholm.com/blog/2012/09/men-mouse/ http://natalieholm.com/blog/2012/09/men-mouse/#comments Mon, 24 Sep 2012 02:18:58 +0000 Natalie http://natalieholm.com/blog/?p=1933 Let’s play a game I like to call “What’s Wrong with This Film.” Off the top of my head, I found several things quite disturbing.

I’m terrible at them. Though I understand the importance of spending time reading the Word and praying, I have always been baffled at how exactly to have a Quiet Time. This probably has a lot to do with how I have approached education in general over the years. Do I [...]]]> Let’s talk about Quiet Times.

I’m terrible at them. Though I understand the importance of spending time reading the Word and praying, I have always been baffled at how exactly to have a Quiet Time. This probably has a lot to do with how I have approached education in general over the years. Do I love to learn and passionately pursue knowledge just for the sake of learning? I’d like to believe I do, but realistically that has not been my pattern. (For example, when I read The Lord of the Rings, I kind of always skip the songs. And the part where Tom Bombadil is hanging out with the hobbits in the forest– I skip that, too. Michael was aghast when he found out that I have no appreciation for Bombadil. But to me, it doesn’t seem like it moves the narrative along very much. And I need the storyline to progress… I mean, that book is so long!) In school, I was always a good student and figured out how to make an A, but I’m not sure that I learned a whole lot in high school, college, or even grad school. That is quite embarrassing seeing as how I’m a teacher and all.

Do not judge– that’s a sin, you know.

Anyway, when I first started trying to have Quiet Times back when I was 13 or 14, I thought there was a magic formula that I needed to figure out. My youth group had given out workbooks of some sort and insisted that Quiet Times had to be in the morning. That didn’t work for me very well because I am not a morning person. It was especially difficult because school started so early and I already had a getting-ready routine that took over an hour (let us not discuss the copious amount of hair spray and curling irons involved.) So I failed at having my Quiet Times early on and felt like, well, a failure. I didn’t try again until a few years later when I was in college. By that time, I had a better idea that what mattered was spending time learning about my great God. I also started to really pray deeply and even found myself late to class once or twice because I lost track of time. Because I was praying. So weird.

Those times were so sweet and I still look back at that time and treasure how close God and I were. We were tight, yo. But then the fire of my Quiet Times started to go out. I realized that I didn’t really understand what I was reading. I had this terrible habit of making everything in the Bible about me. I would read the Psalms where David describes fleeing from his enemies, and I would think, “Hmm… I don’t really have anyone trying to kill me. David seems kind of dramatic here.” Or I would read passages in the Old Testament where God made specific promises to specific people and feel all warm and fuzzy as I claimed those promises for myself.

You know you do it, too.

The book of Ruth gets so abused in this way. Single women read it and are encouraged that they, too, will find their Boaz. Older women read it and identify with Naomi and cling to the promise that God will give them grandchildren. We are a messed up lot of folks who do not understand scripture or even how to go about trying to understand it. But do not despair– there is hope!

I was listening to my good buddy, Tim, the other day and realized something. After years of  hearing him preach, I think I’ve actually learned some things about the Bible. And I think they are starting to sink deeply into my soul. This morning I listened to a sermon about forgiveness (actually, I listened to it twice) and kept thinking, “Yes, yes! This is what I’ve been talking to Michael about!” We’ve been talking about how forgiveness is costly. We’ve been discussing what it means to pour grace out on people who’ve sinned against us. We’ve been encouraging one another to remember how we, too, are sinners in desperate need of grace. You see, the same themes keep coming up day after day… Grace. Forgiveness. Trust. The Gospel. And though I haven’t done a study on forgiveness with a shiny workbook to point me to the right passages to read, I’ve been learning about it.

I still struggle to have an official Quiet Time that follows any kind of consistent pattern. I do try and find some time to quiet my soul and pray each day, but even that is hit or miss sometimes. If you struggle to read scripture and apply it (or heck, even understand it) then here is my encouragement to you: You do not need to follow some prescribed formula that works really well for someone else. There are lots of great suggestions for how to read the Bible through in a year (and one day I will do that… I hope) but for now, that is daunting and discouraging for me. And honestly, even if I did read the 10 chapters of Leviticus that were prescribed for me to read, I do not think I would have any idea what I had just read. I am not a dumb person, but I do not have the background to open the Word and instantly know what it’s talking about. In fact, doing this over the years led me to create my own special brand of heresy.

Though I don’t want you to make the error of believing that there is only one way to learn and grow, I don’t want to lead you into the other possible error which is not doing anything. For a long time I didn’t try and do anything to feed my soul because I thought that I couldn’t do it the right way. Getting up early is still difficult– with little children occupying my house for the foreseeable future, I’m just not sure I will ever leave my bed before I absolutely have to. But I have found some things that do work; primarily I listen to sermons by Tim Keller. I listen to them while I clean the kitchen or pick up toys around the house. When I drive anywhere longer than 5 minutes, I listen to Tim (Jeremiah is going to grow up very confused about why he never gets to meet Uncle Tim, but always listens to him in the car.)

What works for me right now is listening to Keller when I can, talking to my husband about what I’m learning, and when I’m feeling especially time-enriched, I read books that help me understand scripture better (this one is great.) What works for me might not work for you– but there is something that will work.  And if you try something and it doesn’t work, try something else! Make it your quest to spend some time learning about the Gospel in a way that excites you, and I promise you will keep doing it. And if you miss a day (or many days) because life happens at you, for heaven’s sake don’t beat yourself up. Learning about God isn’t something to add to your This-Will-Make-Me-A-Good-Person List. After all, there’s no hope of that– but where we can have hope is that by learning about the Gospel we will be people who are captured by its beauty. And that, my friends, is what changes us.